midnight idiocy

What am I supposed to think? It's her birthday and you don't come home.
Sometimes I wish I never knew you. You have so much good and between us it went so bad.
I can't help loving you and I can't help being hurt by you.

Oh, I know that might not be where you are tonight - but that's where you were one night when it mattered, and that made a memory like the kraken that sleeps in the deep.

very pleasing compliments:

you have a flair for the passionate.

you have a sculptural body (I like it. It makes me sound like architecture.)

perspective

"Every man of action has a strong dose of egoism, pride, hardness and cunning. But all those things will be regarded as high qualities if he can make them the means to achieve great ends." ~Giorgos Seferis

From the Notebooks

I'm mad at myself for being so foolish as to love you.
But - heaven above! - there's nothing above you.
For better or worse - we know where that usually goes -
you are my love; my friends are your foes.

Bed Bugs

They're in my walls...
They're in the floors...
so it is time for a bomb of chemicals. Something I am looking forward to not at all.
On the bright side, after the purging I plan on doing my house will be very zen. One small flower in a vase shall grace an empty room, and my wardrobe will be pared down to six items of clothing.

Misrebubble

I'm doing the best I can and right now feel like nothing is good enough :(

Intrepid Bug Killer At Work

So it was bed bugs. They had made a nest in my clown stuffed animal, which I had kept for sentimental reasons. It had been one of my parent's old stuffed animals, and it played music when you twisted its bright red clown nose. They fell out of it's seams when I picked it up, just like a horror movie.
Hopefully that's the only nest.
Time for MASSIVE sterilization, caulking, and purging. The intrepid bug killer is now at work.
Death to all oppressors and creepy horror film villains!

the insects join the twilight trend

Either the spiders in my room are descending from their perches and biting all the places uncovered by my covers, or the mosquitoes have developed increasingly vampire-like characteristics this season. I have a necklace of bites. I also have tiny dots of blood all over my sheet at neck level. It's disturbing. What is going on?

from the notebooks

Midwinter Blues
My hands cracked, my lips chapped
My eyes half-lidded, the race forfeited.
In comes the new year
same as the old year.

Half Hearted
My heart.
Yours parted.
After the love affair
should have started.


this one would make a good valentine:
"You're divine, waaay better than wine,
like a kiss. Even when things go amiss
I'm in love (heaven above!)"

I love you like a tomato.
I think you're delicious like a
mongoose. You're a peach.
A dream. A thousand kisses.
Also thousands and thousands
of wishes.


My eyes are heavy
the night is young
I flip my key
between finger and thumb
The music lures
The dancing tempts
I outline my eyes
And touch my neck with scent
I look in the mirror
My courage wanes
I think of papers
and it builds again
My friend calls
No pressure she asks
I waver between
sleeping and tasks.

I confess, I'll do something drastic
because all this studying makes me feel spastic.

Sigh no more, Lady, Sigh no more

like an idiot, I'm in love. I'm idiotic in the way I love - not that to be in love is to be an idiot.
I want him more than he has time or inclination to want me. And there is my folly. I need stronger pride that says, like it used to, "if you do not love me, that is all i need in order to know that it will not work, and I should let go."
It's not very complicated, but seen through the haze and looming shadows of past events, I think it must be. So I reach out to him and hope. But it's not.
It is not complicated.
He likes me, but he does not love me, and that is all I need to know it will not work, and I should let him go.
Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?

all I do the whole day through is dream of you

I've been counting up my sleeping and waking hours the past few days, the pattern goes like this:

21 hours awake.
3 hours sleep.
19.5 hours awake.
2 hours sleep.
14 hours awake.
7.5 hours asleep.
3 hours awake.
2 hours sleep.
11 hours awake.
6.5 hours sleep.
23 hours awake.
2 hours sleep.
14 hours awake.
1 hour asleep.

Now I'm awake again. I'm not even sure which day I'm catching up to or from anymore.

shutting down

feeling a little blue... I wish I was still in hawaii.
The skies were blue, the air was warm, so many people were generous and ready to laugh and dance, I got to hang about upside down, and possibilities were open...

in the zone

Nom nOm noM

I made a chocolate leaf bowl. I am a genius.

A Cautionary Tale of Poo and Adventure

A mummy and her daughter were observed by me as they walked down the street this morning. As the Mum walked towards evidence of a dog's previous meanderings on that part of the sidewalk, she called back to her daughter to caution her, "Watch the poo!"
Her daughter, about two feet high in a pink and grey snow suit, whirled around and stared at the sidewalk behind her, then at some of the snowbank, and then some of the sky.
"Sophie, watch this poo." her Mummy said, pointing at the offending item.
Sophie leaped back with a look of surprise and then crept towards the poo, glaring at it intently the entire time, as if watching it for any sudden moves.

gold stars for foolishness?

I realized today that I've been in love for five years. This would be wonderful and impressive if it was a mutual state of affairs, but it's not. It still impresses me though. What on earth persuades me to keep going? I feel like I ought to get a gold star for ...something - it's an achievement!